How Connection Shapes the Brain – and Builds Emotional Strength

As parents, we understand that we play an important role in our kids' lives. But what does that really mean when it comes to our child’s emotional development?  Thanks to emerging brain science, we now understand that our presence and support don’t just ease their distress in the moment – this steadiness actually shapes how a child's brain learns to handle stress and emotions over time.

When our kids feel overwhelmed – by a new activity, separation, fear – they’re experiencing it not just emotionally, but neurologically as well. A part of the brain called the amygdala is sounding the alarm, and the part of the brain that helps calm things down – the prefrontal cortex – is still very much under construction during childhood. That’s when a caregiver’s ability to step in as an emotional anchor becomes especially important.

Our calm presence, even something as simple as a hand to hold or a reassuring look, helps regulate our child’s nervous system in moments when they can’t yet do it for themselves. Over time, through repeated moments of co-regulation like this, our children’s brains learn how to regulate on their own.  This is why we can let go of the pressure to get it right every time.  What matters most is showing up enough – enough for our kids to internalize the message: I can handle hard things, and I’m not alone. 

This process isn’t linear. Some kids need more proximity or reassurance than others – especially children who are highly sensitive, anxious, or need time to build trust.  And our own stress or history will inevitably make it harder to offer steady support at times. Instead of viewing these moments as failures, we can see them as a cue to offer ourselves self-compassion – acknowledging the challenges of simultaneously raising kids and staying regulated.  Because in the end, kids grow through connection, not perfection.

And while it’s tempting to jump in and solve or 'fix' a situation when our child is struggling, one of the most powerful things we can do is to simply validate:
“This feels hard and that makes sense.”
“I see that this feels like a lot right now.”
“I’m here.”

These moments do more than offer comfort – they teach our child's brain what safety feels like.

What’s most hopeful in all of this? Emotion regulation isn’t something our kids either have or don't have. It’s built – little by little, through everyday interactions that help our kids feel seen and supported.   And even imperfect efforts from a caring adult play a powerful role in their growth.

Not by doing more.

But by being there.

And trusting that this slow, responsive, imperfect process is the work that truly matters.