When Misbehavior Is Really a Stress Response: Shifting How We See and Support Kids

What we often label as “misbehavior” - defiance, disrespect, or willfulness - is usually something else entirely. It’s often a nervous system overwhelmed and signaling a need for support when communication and self-regulation aren’t accessible in that moment. It’s reactive rather than intentional.

The more we understand how the brain and body respond to stress, the more we can meet these moments with empathy and support, versus shame or control.

The Nervous System Under Stress: Quick to React, Slow to Settle

One simple way to understand self-regulation is to think of the nervous system like a car. There's a gas pedal (which fuels action, alertness, or fight-or-flight) and a brake (which helps us slow down, rest, and recover).

A well-regulated system knows when to accelerate and when to ease up. But for many children - especially those who are neurodivergent, emotionally intense, or have experienced chronic stress or adversity  - there’s often more gas and not enough brake. Their systems activate quickly under pressure and struggle to return to calm.

“It’s not that I don’t want to calm down - I just don’t know how to. I feel out of control in my own body.”

You might see behaviors like refusal, loud outbursts, emotional withdrawal, or attempts to escape the situation.  According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, these behaviors are not calculated choices.  They are, instead, typically the result of a biological stress response.

“The nervous system responds to cues of safety or danger - without involving the thinking brain. If a child doesn’t feel safe, their behavior will reflect that.” -Dr. Porges

What Feels Like a Threat to a Child?

Safety isn’t just about physical protection. According to Dr. Mona Delahooke, safety is deeply relational and sensory. What adults might dismiss as “no big deal” can feel threatening to a child’s nervous system.

“To change the behavior, a child needs to feel safe. And the safety of relationship is the key modulator of a child's stress response.”
-Dr. Mona Delahooke

These subtle signals of danger - what Dr. Stephen Porges calls neuroception - bypass the "thinking brain."  A child doesn’t choose to feel unsafe; their nervous system simply reacts.

Here are just a few examples of what might trigger that internal alarm:

Relational or Social Cues 

• A sharp or impatient tone of voice
  
  
• A facial expression that looks annoyed or disappointed
  
  
• Being ignored or dismissed when upset
  
  
• A friend suddenly excluding them from a game
  
  
• A conflict with a teammate or peer
  
  
• Emotional withdrawal (e.g., “Go to your room until you’re calm”)
  
  

Environmental Cues 

• Loud or unpredictable sounds (e.g., alarms, yelling, crowded lunch areas)
  
  
• Bright lights, visual clutter, or overstimulating spaces
  
  
• Overcrowded classrooms, assemblies, or noisy gyms
  
  
• Transitions without support or warning (e.g., being rushed to leave the house)
  
  
• Struggling with multi-step instructions or school expectations without support

When the nervous system perceives these cues as unsafe, the brain shifts into survival mode  - activating fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown. In this state, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, problem-solving, and impulse control) temporarily goes offline.

That’s why so many of the strategies we’ve been taught (trying to rationalize, explain, give consequences) tend not to work in the heat of the moment.  We’re trying to engage the child’s “thinking brain” at a time when it’s not available.

Regulation Takes Time to Develop

It’s also important to note that the prefrontal cortex  - the very part of the brain that supports emotional regulation, empathetic understanding, and impulse control - is still under construction well into a child’s twenties.

Furthermore, for children with ADHD, sensory processing challenges, or other neurodevelopmental differences, this development is, on average, delayed by about three years. A child’s ability to self-regulate all too often does not align with our expectations. When we understand that emotional regulation is a skill built over time, we can begin to shift our expectations to meet the child where they are developmentally.

What Helps Instead: Borrowing Our Calm

So what can we do?

We offer our calm, not our control.
We respond with regulation, not reactivity.

This is where co-regulation comes in. When a child is overwhelmed and dysregulated, they rely on the nervous system of a steady adult to help them return to a state of safety. We become the external brake system while theirs is still under construction.

This might look like:

• Offering quiet proximity
  
  
• Using a warm tone and relaxed facial cues
  
  
• Offering a few reassuring words
  
  
• Giving space without emotional withdrawal
  
  
• Staying present without trying to "fix"
  
  

In moments when a child can’t access calm, they borrow ours.

Challenging behavior isn’t the problem - it’s the signal.
It tells us a child is overwhelmed, not manipulative. Struggling, not defiant. And when we shift how we see behavior, we also shift how we respond to it.

These moments are far from easy. But they’re opportunities to support the development of lifelong emotional well-being—for both the child and the adult.